With the nights lasting longer and Halloween just around the corner, it is only natural to think about things that go bump in the night. So I turned to the internet to find out what exactly goblins are. The internet is a wonderful thing. And if you visit more than one site, you’ll get contradicting information.

Take goblins for example.

Unlike other mythological creatures, goblins don’t seem to have a fixed origin.

Which is convenient for writers, but darned annoying if you’re trying to pin the little buggers down. Here’s what I’ve found (Warning: the contradictions may cause your head to explode):

Goblins range from a few inches tall to 2-3 feet tall, except for the Orcs (Lord of the Rings) who were human-sized.

They are ugly creatures with pointy features. Okay, this everyone agrees on. And are distant relations to Brownies and Elves. Ditto, although the Brownies and Elves may tell a different story.

Goblins are lazy and mischeivious (a big downgrade from evil–so maybe they’re just misunderstood). One reference said they take off human’s clothes when they’re sleeping (I’d really like to see someone caught in a compromising position use this one)

They do the work of slaves for witches but are considered equals. Yeah, don’t think about that too much.

They can wield magic (Harry Potter) or they can’t wield magic and therefore must rely heavily on technology to get power (Warcraft). Apparently, their inherent laziness prevents them from taking over the world and advancing their technology too far.

They are cunning and value gold (who doesn’t), but other times they’re stupid and easily manipulated (see the Orcs).

They can live in houses or in gardens.

In other words, that’s one hour of my life I won’t see again and I still don’t have a concrete answer. But I am picturing a Ferengi