TO ALL EMPLOYEES [EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY]
-It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a pay raise.
-If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay raise.
-If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a pay raise.
-We will no longer accept a doctor’s certificate as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
-Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.
-This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
-Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three minute time limit in the cubicles.
-At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the cubicle door will open, and your picture will be taken.
-After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company notice board under the “Chronic Offenders” category.
-Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company’s mental health policy.
-Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.
-Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
-Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that’s all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
SEXUAL HARASSMENT AND WORKPLACE BULLYING
-Any employee caught filing complaints to these matters will be framed and terminated expeditiously.
All personal Internet usage will be recorded and charges will be deducted from your bonus (if any) and if we decide not to give you any, charges will be deducted from your salary. Note: charges applicable as $3 per minute as we have a fast connection.
-73% of staff will not be entitled to any salary for next 3 months as their Internet charges have exceeded their 3 months salary.
-In the event of labour pains, you will be allowed to go to the first aid room when the pains are FIVE MINUTES apart. If it is false labour, you will have to take an hour’s leave without pay.
This will be accepted as an excuse, BUT two weeks’ notice is required as we feel it is your duty to teach someone your job.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember we are an employer of choice and we are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
Regards, HR Department