Friday Funny

These were passed along by my friend Hugh.

The first one: You know you’re a redneck if:

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The second one: They attack in packs:

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Upcoming Workshop on Villains

Hi all,

I’ve been asked by Melanie at the Dog-Earred Pages Used Bookstore to give a workshop on Villains, titled Facing Off: Creating an adversary worthy of your hero. Apparently, she really loved Trent:D.

Date: April 18th
Time: 05:30 PM

Anyway, the series is part of the Friday Night Writes, she hosts at her store. I believe this is a small fee to attend, but that fee will be applied to a book purchase. FMI, you can visit her website http://www.dogearedpagesusedbooks.com/

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Hearts in Barbed Wire—Chapter Four

Chapter Four

The Germans were coming! Madeline rose on brittle legs. Any moment now, she’d collapse into a heap. But she had to face the enemy. The roll of bandages dropped from her numb fingers, bounced once on her coat then rolled to a stop in the matted grass. Her hand trembled when she reached for her coat.

“Is the electric torch out, Sister?” Luc rolled onto his back and whipped out his pistol.

“Yes. Of course.” She stuffed her arms into the stiff sleeves and shivered from the cold. Papers. She needed to find her travel papers. The Boches would shoot her if she didn’t have them.

They might shoot her anyway.

Don’t think that way. Her plan would work. Swallowing the lump in her throat, she patted her chest. Paper crinkled in her left breast pocket. Thank God, she still had them.

On the ground near her sabots, Mille rose up on his elbow. “What are you doing?”

“I have to go out there.” Pinching the wooden coat buttons, she tried twice to shove them through their holes.

Luc rose to his knees. “No. You don’t know what those savages do to women.”

“I do.” All too well. She’d been on duty in the clinique when peasants had been carried in—bruised, bayonetted and violated. Age hadn’t spared anyone from the violence. She brushed her pass and identification papers before stuffing her head scarf in her collar.

Luc grabbed her hand. “You need to stay here. I will protect you.”

The heat from his palm sowed tingles across her skin. She tugged free and cold stung her fingers. “I need to be with the cart.”

Out there. On the road. She stared over the hedge into the moonlight and shivered. So much darkness. It would practically swallow her once she reached the cart.

“Lieutenant.” Mille clawed at the ground under him and sat up, his injured leg stuck out in front of him. “We can’t let her go out there alone.”

Raising her chin, she took a steadying breath. “And I can’t let them find you.”

Papa would never forgive her. These soldiers were fighting for her, for Belgium. Grabbing her valise, she waded through the grass.

Luc crawled after her. “At least take the dog.”

“No. I don’t want him getting shot.” She didn’t want any of them to be shot. She pushed aside the hedge. Leaves crackled and crumbled. Branches scratched at her coat, tore her skirt. Stepping through, she glanced left then right.

Twenty meters away, cigarettes floated like demon eyes in the night. The tromp of hobnailed boots and the clang of a soldiers’ kits prodded her heart to a faster tempo. She could do this. She had to do this.

Lives depended upon her.

Holding her skirts, she scrambled onto the road. Each footfall echoed hollowly in her chest. She’d come to no harm. Her papers were in order. A rock jutted from the dirt road, caught the toe of her boot. She stumbled a few steps toward the cart.

20140311-091422.jpg“Halt!” A man called in guttural German.

Dropping her valise, she raised her arms and froze. She would give them no reason to shoot her. Not that they needed a reason… Everyone was a franc-tireur, a saboteur, in German eyes.

Fingers of light raked the road until they caught her wooden shoes. Dead grass and mud clung to her sabots. They would know she’d stepped off the road. The steel banding her chest snared her breath in her lungs.

More electric torches clicked on. Spike-helmeted silhouettes arrowed down the road. Bayonets stabbed the night. The clomp of boots rolled like a snare drum.

Was the whole of the Kaiser’s army descending upon her? God Almighty, please protect me. Stars twinkled in her peripheral vision. She gulped air and resisted the urge to shield her eyes. She’d be well. They would not hurt her.

Please, don’t let them hurt me.

Underneath the smell of cabbage and beans swirled the hint of blood. Four soldiers surrounded her in an arc, bayonets ready to puncture her chest. They shone their torches in her face, burned the back of her skull.

“What is it?”

“Is it a franc-tireur? Will she scoop out our eyeballs with a spoon and slit our throat when we are asleep?” The soldier raised his rifle and stepped back.

Nein, it is a Fräulein.” One after the other, they shoved their faces into hers. Helmets and thick noses cut their features into blades of shadow and light.

“I’m not a saboteur.” They were executed. Her voice broke over the denial. Wincing, she licked her dry lips. A wall of light separated her from the rest of the troops. Her heart raced. Could they see Luc, Mille and Leopold hiding behind the hedge? “I’m a nurse. Red Cross.”

She dipped her chin to her valise.

The man on her right swooped down. Cutting the ties with his bayonet, he opened the suitcase and dumped the contents on the dirt. He kicked the belongings with his foot before unearthing her arm band. “A nurse.”

The soldier on her left hustled toward her dog cart and threw open the trunk in the bed.

She bit her lip to stop the protest. Let them take what they wanted so long as they left quickly.

Waving her arm band, the soldier dashed away.

The remaining two closed in, scanning her while talking, deciding her fate.

Madeline struggled to find a familiar word in the garble. What were they saying? Would they shoot her? Oh, why hadn’t she paid more attention when Lisle tried to teach her German?

Fabric rustled and the lights dipped and swayed. A black form blotted out the light. Broad shoulders solidified. With his face masked in darkness, impressions hit her. Male. Authority. An officer. He barked orders with the rat-a-tat-tat of machine gun fire.

She stepped back, her heels sinking in mud.

The two original soldiers snapped to attention then marched behind the wall of lights. Her Red Cross badge floated to the ground.

Officer Shadow stopped directly in front of her and lowered his head, shielding her from the light. Dark eyes glittered, his full mouth turned down at the corner and his nostrils flared. “Papers!”

Madeline jumped but quickly yanked her travel documents from her breast pocket. Paper ripped. With a shaky hand, she presented them to the officer.

He snatched them. Twisting at the waist, he held them to the light. “Where have you come from?”

“Brussels.” Her teeth clicked together. She had to say as little as possible, give them what they wanted and they would leave.

The officer left a dusty boot print on her white apron. “And you are a nurse?”

“In training.”

“Are the citizens so healthy in Brussels that they do not need to train any more nurses?”

“N-no.” She cleared her throat and clamped her lips together. Even if the German governor of Belgium hadn’t made it a crime to speak ill of the Boches, the invaders had a way of twisting one’s word to their own advantage.

“Then why are you not at your post?” He crushed the papers in his fist.

“T-the clinique where I trained was closed and I was ordered to return home.”

He shoved his face in hers. “And do you live in a field, mademoiselle?”

Sour wine filled the cloud of words.

“No, sir. I live in the village.”

Even white teeth glowed in the darkness. “And does your village still stand?”

Fear spiraled down her back. She locked her knees to keep her legs from buckling. “I—I do not know. I haven’t been back since…”

The invasion.

“And you’ve been traveling this road since the tram stop?”

“I’ve stayed off the main roads to stay out of the way.”

Officer Shadow raised his hand.

Madeline reared back.

He chuckled and tugged on her hair. Moving his arm, he twirled a leaf between his index finger and thumb. “A wooded trail?”

He knew. He couldn’t know. He was trying to trick her. She’d seen it done, seen folks executed for falling into their trap. “I had to, um…”

Dropping her gaze, she studied her boots, keeping him in her peripheral vision.

“Ahh…” The officer cleared his throat and looked away.

He couldn’t be embarrassed, could he? She’d seen other Boches strip wounded Belgian soldiers down to skin, cut off their blood-soaked bandages and force them to stand on smashed limbs.

Movement caught her eye.

The officer stiffened then snapped his fingers.

A soldier marched over, holding an embroidered nightgown against his gray-green uniform.

Officer Shadow fingered the tatted collar. “This is hardly fitting for a nurse.”

Madeline’s cheeks burned. “It was for my trousseau.”

The officer’s gaze bounced between the negligee and her. “I suppose your fiancé is now a soldier in service to King Albert.” He switched from French to German and shouted at the soldier, who wadded up the clothing and stormed back to the trunk.

She blinked. He wasn’t going take her things? The men at the depot hadn’t hesitated in plundering her finer clothing items.

Paper crinkled. The officer held the ball out to her. “I suggest you do not tarry any longer. Any Belgians out after dark are presumed to be franc-tireurs.”

She was no spy; she was a patriot.

“I won’t.” She plucked the documents from his hand.

He manacled her wrist and pried her fingers open. Her pass and identification papers drifted to the ground. With his thumb, he teased the raw, blistered skin.

Fire blazed up her arm and she drew cold air over her teeth.

“I suppose even Belgian nurses aren’t used to pulling dog carts.” He dropped her wrist. “We shall take over that task.”

He snapped off orders. Fabric swished, dirt crunched and armaments clanked. The lights clicked off and the many-headed shadow lump began to march toward her town.

“Oh.” Oh, dear. She needed the cart to help Mille reach her parents’ farm. “That’s not necessary. I’m accustomed—”

“You misunderstand. I am requisitioning the cart and its contents.” The officer stroked her cheek. His callused index finger traced the curve of her bottom lip. “You and your fiancé may count yourself fortunate that we found nothing else of value tonight.”

“I understand.” Pulling away from him, Madeline shuddered.

“Perhaps you do.” He bowed his head once. “You may retrieve your belongings once my men have passed. I wouldn’t recommend you move before then.”

“Naturally.” She wouldn’t want to be one more dead franc-tireur.

With a click of his heels, he dissolved in the current of his marching soldiers. A wagon wheel squeaked. Boots pounded. One by one the electric torches clicked off and the night dropped over her like a shroud.

She wrapped her arms around her waist as the first tremor hit. Wave after wave shook her from her heels to her head as if to thresh the skin from her bones. She was safe. Safe. The word pulsed inside her skull, mingled with the echo of her breathing. Safe. The shuddering subsided.

The thud of feet faded.

Safe. She crumpled to the ground; a soft cry escaped her lips. Her nails sunk into the clammy mud, gouged furrows as she raked her belongings into a pile. Her vision blurred and tears pricked her nose.

Branches shook.

Luc eased through the hedge. “Did they harm you?”

“No.” The denial was acid on her tongue. Her fingers dug into the fabric, crammed handfuls into her valise.

He touched her shoulder, his hand soft as the flutter of butterfly wings. “Madeline.”

She leaned into him for a moment before shaking him off. She had to be strong. She swept her hand along the rutted area before stuffing the last of her belongings into the soggy cardboard suitcase. Sniffing, she blotted her cheeks with her sleeve. “I’ll see to Mille’s wound then tend yours.”

“Mille’s tending his own injury, Sister.” Luc waved his hand in front of her face.

She liked it better when he used her name. She slid her palm against his. Mud squished between her their pressed skin when he wrapped his fingers around her hand. She rose, swayed on unsteady legs.

“My injury will wait until you are safe at the farm house.” He cupped her waist.

His strength infused her and chased the chill from her limbs. I mustn’t give in. I must be strong. “None of us will be safe until the Germans are driven from Belgium.”

Leopold stuck his snout out of the hedge.

Leaning heavily on a crooked tree limb, Mille hopped behind the dog. “I think we should move out and avoid any more encounters with the Boches.”

“I am sorry you lost your clothes.” Luc squeezed her hand before releasing it. He quickly walked to Mille’s side and supported the other soldier. “But you are worth far more than fine linen and bits of lace.”

A flicker of warmth licked her insides. She hadn’t known what was in the trunk; she wouldn’t miss it. Madeline scooted to Mille’s other side and wrapped her arm around his waist and immediately detected his fever.

He transferred his makeshift crutch to Luc. “I’m not sorry that you won’t have to face the enemy again.”

Luc grunted.

She didn’t want to face the Germans ever again. Next time, she might not be so lucky.

amazon

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Friday Funny—Church Ladies with Typewriters

CHURCH LADIES WITH TYPEWRITERS

They’re Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for the church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced at church services:  

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals. 

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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

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The sermon this morning: ‘Jesus Walks on the Water.’The sermon tonight:‘Searching for Jesus.’

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Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

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Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help. 

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Miss Charlene Mason sang ‘I will not pass this way again,’ giving obvious pleasure to the congregation. 

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For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs. 

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Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get. 

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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.. 

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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ‘What Is Hell?’ Come early and listen to our choir practice.

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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

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  Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered…

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  The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

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Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM – prayer and medication to follow.

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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday. 

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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM… The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

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And this one just about sums them all up

The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new campaign slogan last Sunday:

‘I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours.’

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There’s Lyrics and Then There’s Lyrics

When I listen to a song it’s the beat that gets my toes tapping but it’s the lyrics that decide the length of my relationship with a song. Some songs I’ll listen to forever because the meaning resonates within me.

And while I try to get the words right, I don’t always succeed.

I know I’m not alone in this.

I know I’m not the only one who interpreted CCR’s there’s a bad moon on the rise to there’s a bathroom on the right.

And like an iceberg, that’s just the tip of the lyrics I’ve flubbed, and even liked a little better than the original.

And while I used to think I inherited this particular trait from my father (who should be ashamed of himself for telling an impressionable 7 year old lines that were not part of an actual song), I’ve since learned that the trait is fairly common. Seems soldiers in World War 1 changed the lyrics to a popular melody too. Some were bawdy such as to Parlez-vous, others were sad like the ones to Broken Doll, and some held a purpose (beyond confusing the enemy).

Here is one courtesy of the American Doughboy in France:

Iodine and Pills
Iodine and Pills
Good for rheumatism
Good for chills
Bones my be broken
Mumps in your gills
Iodine and pills will cure you
Iodine and pills

And while I can’t tell you what the original song was, I can say that the lyrics tell a lot about the state of medicine in 1917.

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Last Day for 99cents—Hearts in Barbed Wire

20140311-091422.jpgChapter Three
Luc plodded down the road. A full moon struggled to pull free of the smoke from the battlefield, miles to the south. The cannonading beat like a war drum. Soon…soon he’d be fighting, too. The war couldn’t end until he rejoined the battle to free Belgium.
The dog cart wheel squeaked with the softness of a field mouse. Madeline winced and glanced about. A blond curl fell on her shoulder like a spill of moonlight.
His nails dug into his palms to keep from reaching for it. He had a fiancée. Somewhere. Funny how this woman would conjure memories of Laure. Madeline was fair where Laure’s hair was unrelieved ebony. Madeline was stocky like a peasant, while Laure was willowy. Madeline wanted to be a nurse to serve others, while Laure…
He cut off the thought. He would not be so disloyal to his fiancée. Laure’s nature was as befitted a lady. His lady—demure, proper and awaiting his lead. All admirable traits for a Baron’s future wife. It was why his parents had picked her for him.
Well, that and her mining fortune.
Luc kicked at a clod, spraying dirt along the road. Funny, he hadn’t minded the arrangement until lately. His side throbbed but he dare not check his injury. His traveling companion watched his every move. If he hadn’t warned her about the need to be quiet, she might still be nagging him for permission to check his side.
His man, Mille, must be treated first. God knew what he would do if Mille’s leg wound had become infected. He had been eyeing the revolver a little too much for Luc’s liking.
“How much further?” Madeline’s whisper swirled on a white cloud. Cold rouged her cheeks and she sniffed.
He plucked at the buttons of his jacket. She had already refused it once. He caught her eye.
She shook her head.
He sighed. He’d hoped she’d eventually see reason and wear it.
“Not much further, Sister.” His moist breath washed over his face then his skin turned clammy. He could handle a little fever. Mille needed help now. Luc scanned the dark silhouettes of the trees clawing at the night sky. Unharvested grain swished against the hedges. Twenty meters ahead, a splintered pine exposed its bloodless innards. They were close. Cupping his hands around his mouth, he mimicked a swallow’s call.
The cart’s wheel squeaked.
Madeline drew up short. The trunk in the dog cart rattled. Biting her lip, she slowly lowered the traces.
A heartbeat ticked by. Then another. Luc’s ears strained against the velvet night and his mouth dried. Just because Mille didn’t answer didn’t mean he was dead. He could have passed out. Or—
A high-pitched whistle shot from the hedge on the left.
“Mille.” Luc darted forward; his injury pulled at his side. “Leopold.”
“Leopold?” Groaning, Madeline lurched forward, dragging the cart behind her. “I thought there was only one man.”
A soft woof accompanied the rustle of leaves. Then a German shepherd’s black nose glistened in the moonlight. The black and brown body soon followed. Tail wagging, the dog trotted down the road.
“It’s a dog.” She dropped the traces and held out her hands.
Leopold sniffed the air then he stilled and pointed his snout at her.
“Come here, boy.” Crouching, she snapped her fingers with one hand. The other fumbled with her skirts.
Luc cleared his throat. “Leopold isn’t a pet. He’s—”
The shepherd loped past Luc, circled Madeline once then snuffled her hand.
The traitor! Luc snapped his fingers. Leopold was a military dog under Luc’s command. He needed to remember it.
Leopold sat in front of her.
“You’re such a good boy.” She offered the dog a crust of bread before scratching him behind his ears.
Leopold held the bread between his teeth while stretching his neck out for Madeline’s attention.
“Lieutenant?” Mille hissed from the bushes.
“Here.” Luc bit off the word and stomped his foot. “Leopold. Come.”
The dog swallowed the bread, tucked his tail between his legs and belly-crawled over.
Smiling, Madeline swiped at the dog hair clinging to her skirt. “We weren’t allowed to have dogs in the clinique. I have missed them.”
“Yes, well.” Luc pointed to the ground by his feet. The canine prostrated himself, his brown eyes shining brightly in the moonlight. “He’s a soldier under my command and must act the part, Sister.”
“Yes, sir.” She straightened her shoulders and her right arm twitched.
Luc’s eyes narrowed. She had better not salute him. He would—
A twig snapped behind him. Mille’s pale face emerged from under the hedge. “You’ve brought a woman?”
“A nurse.” Luc clutched his skull. Was everyone going to question his authority tonight? “I brought a nurse. Sister Madeline Thevenet meet Private Mille.”
“Private Mille.” She turned the cart so it faced her village, then fumbled with the bulging handkerchief at her waist. “Are you hungry?”
“You might want to check my injury before wasting your food.” Mille slunk back under the hedge.
Luc ground his teeth together. He couldn’t afford pessimism. Neither would he lose another man, not to the cold, or his wounds, or anything else. “He’ll eat.”
She tugged her valise out of the cart and marched toward him, swinging the bundle from her fingers. “You might want to set the example, Lieutenant.”
Mille chuckled.
Luc rolled his shoulders. At least his man hadn’t lost his sense of humor. Crossing to the hedge, he found a thin spot. Branches scratched his wrists as he parted the limbs and walked through. “Patch him up so we can leave before the Boches return.”
“Last patrol came through about an hour ago.” On the right, Mille wiggled out from under the hedge. The bandage swelled the skin above his knee. His pant leg flopped like broken wings when he shimmied lower. “Another one should be through in thirty to forty minutes.”
“Leopold. Guard.”
The shepherd slunk toward Luc before disappearing under the hedge. Leaves flitted to the ground as the dog settled in.
Madeline’s fingers brushed Luc’s. Holding the valise to her chest with her other hand, she frowned at the hedge. “If you hold one side, I can hold this one.”
Luc leaned forward, holding back more branches with his forearm.
She hopped over the thick base. The hedge snatched at her skirts, lifted her hem, and exposed one slim ankle.
Heat spiraled through him. Damn fever.
Fabric tore. She sucked in a breath, stumbled a few steps then found her footing. Dropping her valise, she reeled in the fabric and poked her fingers through the six centimeter gash just above the hem. Sighing, she flung it to the ground and shook out her skirts. “At least Madame isn’t here to see the sad state of my dress.”
“I’m sure she wouldn’t mind a little tear. After all, you are attending to an injured man, Sister.”
“You don’t know Madame.” Her dress mushroomed up around her as she sank to the ground. Sure movements jerked on the ties of her valise. “Our dress code was strictly enforced. Cuffs had to be changed quite promptly to prevent spreading infection.” Lifting the valise lid, she rooted around the interior. “When were you injured?”
Luc plucked a scrap of wool from the hedge before joining her. “He was injured at Liège.”
She froze. Her mouth opened and closed twice before she spoke. “But that was over two months ago.”
“His wound was attended to right away. Then we had to evacuate.”
“I see.” She lifted her hand from the suitcase. Metal rasped and moonlight gilded the electric torch.
“We held our fort for six days after the main one fell.” Jaw thrust forward, Mille worked up onto his elbows. “Then the magazine exploded. We had no choice but to leave.”
Those that still lived. Luc’s skin itched. And they were so few in number… The injured that couldn’t leave had manned the last Maxim machine gun to give the rest of them a chance.
“Burgomaster Max printed the German demand that we surrender. The Boches praised your defense, said we’d fulfilled honor’s requirements, then told us to behave. Like we were recalcitrant children.” She fiddled with the battery seconds before light shot out of the bulbous glass lens in the front of the silver reflector.
Raising his right hand, Mille shielded his face. “We didn’t, did we?”
“The King would never surrender.” Luc grabbed the lantern and shut it off. “Do you want to draw the attention of the entire Boche army?”
She lurched for the torch, hooked the handle and tugged. “I need light to see his wound.”
Luc wrapped his hand around hers, stilling the fight. “If we’re spotted…”
Her skin softened under his palm. “I know. But Mille said we have about another half hour or so.”
“Light can be seen from kilometers away.” He swept his thumb along the back of her hand.
She sucked in a breath.
Mille cleared his throat. “You could just leave me. I’m sure I already have blood poisoning.”
Closing her eyes, she turned her face to the moon. “Give me your jacket.”
“Now, Sister?” Luc’s hold tightened. This had to be a trick for her to regain the electric torch. She hadn’t wanted her father to shelter his men, after all. She might be on the Boches’ side. He’d heard the stories.
She tugged her hand free of his and reached for the buttons of her coat. “Between your jacket and my coat, both I and the light should be covered.”
“Of course.” His shoulders sagged. He hadn’t really believed she was a traitor. Yet, he couldn’t be too careful. He was responsible for his men. He’d promised to lead them back to the fight.
Shrugging out of her coat, she spread it over Mille’s legs then reached for the torch and shoved it under the cloth. “I’ll turn on the lamp and get into a comfortable position. Drape your coat over any gaps.”
Mille flopped back on the ground. “You should just leave me.”
She shook her head. “Were you on the stage before taking up the colors?”
Laughter bubbled past Luc’s lips. He swallowed it down, felt the foreign sound shred his throat on the way to his stomach.
Mille crossed his arms over his chest. “I thought nurses were nice.”
“And I thought medical professionals were supposed to diagnose disease not the patient. Apparently we were both mistaken.” Flipping up the edge of her jacket, she ducked under it. A switch clicked and light stretched across the grass.
Mille gasped like a landed fish.
If her mouth kept him fighting, Luc would encourage her to talk often. Now to the problem at hand. To cover the seepage, he’d need to split his jacket in two. Good thing the fever kept him warm. Luc clasped the garment in both hands.
“Hmm.” She dragged her suitcase partially under her coat, then fluffed her skirts to block out the right side.
Luc draped his jacket over the remaining seam.
“Hmmm?” Mille rose on his elbows. A beam of light darted toward the hedges. “Is it bad?”
“It doesn’t smell like gangrene, um, blood poisoning.” Her elbows tented the coat, sending sparks of light this way and that. Scissors snipped. “I’ll know more once I remove the bandage.”
Setting his hand on the other man’s chest, Luc pushed Mille flat.
“She’s sniffing me.” Mille closed his eyes and clamped his lips together.
Luc winced. They hadn’t bathed in days. Their body odor might mask the stench of rot. No, he mustn’t think it.
The switch clicked then Madeline wiggled free of the coats. Strands of hair floated around her head, catching the moonlight. She blew them out of her eyes before studying her bloody fingers. “You’ve broken a few stitches, and the skin is red, but I don’t see any sign of infection.”
“Are you certain?”
“Yes. Yes, of course.” She rubbed her hands in the grass before stopping. “I’ll disinfect the wound with carbolic then bandage it up.”
Mille cracked an eye and peered at her. “What about the stitches?”
“Once we return to my home, I’ll fix them.” She pushed back a stray hair. “The light will be better.”
Luc’s gut clenched. She was lying. But about what?
Her hands shook before she set them on the ground and she pushed to her feet. Dead grass flaked off her skirt when she raked it up her leg.
Look away. Luc’s gaze fastened on the trim ankle before traveling up the slim calve.
Mille whistled.
Mille! The man shouldn’t be looking at her legs. Rising to his knees, Luc whisked up his jacket and used it to block the soldier’s view. White shimmered in Luc’s peripheral vision along with the delicate webbing of lace. He swallowed. Hard. “What do you think you’re doing, Sister?”
Her skirts twitched. “You don’t think I carried the medicine in my valise, do you? The Boches have been requisitioning everything of value.”
“Including…” The rest of his words stuck in his dry throat as a curve of her thigh came into view. A nun. She was promised to be a nun.
“Medicine. They raided our clinique within days of arriving. Naturally, we hid most of our stores. But when they ordered us to close, we divvied up the supplies before heading home.” Nimble fingers disappeared into the snowy linen and emerged with a brown bottle. She tilted the label toward the heavens. “Ha! I thought I’d put it there. Now for the bandages.”
“Seems a shame to waste such fine garments.” Leaning back on his elbows, Mille sighed. His line of sight tracked over the protection of the jacket right to her thigh.
“Oh!” She stumbled back a step and slapped her skirts down.
Luc tossed the jacket into the other man’s face. “Private Mille.”
He reached for the covering to bare his face.
“Keep it in place until the Sister is finished attending you.” Luc infused steel in his voice. Madeline deserved their respect not their gawking.
“Yes, sir.” Mille sank to the ground. The jacket slipped.
Luc righted it before rising. “I’ll see if your trunk contains anything we can use as bandages.”
“But—” She raised her hand and stepped forward.
“I insist.” Shoving aside the branches, he stormed through the hedge. No way she would ruin such delicate lace. He’d give her the shirt off his back first.
“Thank you.”
Kicking free of the alder bush, he stumbled on the road. He glanced left then right. Shadows. Darkness. The damn German army could be upon him before he spied them. Wiping his damp hands on his pants, he stomped to the cart and yanked on the straps.
Throwing open the lid, he caught it before it could slam against the side of the cart. Moonlight puddled on the snowy linens inside. His fingers glided across the lace tatted collar, the intricate embroidery on the bodice, and tiny sleeves of the night gown. Roses grew from the two pillowcases. A length of cream silk streamed between his fingers. Sweet God in heaven. Did all nuns wear such things under their habits?
He caught his breath and jerked his hand back.
Leopold growled. Sticking his nose out, he peered to the right and bared his teeth.
Germans! Luc lowered the lid of the chest and searched the road. The red eye of a cigarette glowed in the darkness. Damnation! He’d forgotten the curve in the road. Sprinting for the opening, he dove through. Twisting at the last minute, he hit shoulder first. Pain blanked his vision as he rolled to his side then scrambled to his feet. “Boches.”

amazon

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Friday Funny—Relationship Tips for Men (It’s the New Math)

All married men and men  on a relationship will attest to some real wisdom in this  email…

…In the  world of romance, one single rule applies:
MAKE THE WOMAN  HAPPY!

Do something she likes, and you get points.
Do something she dislikes, and points are subtracted.
You don’t get any points for doing something she expects.
Sorry, that’s the way the game is  played.
Here is a non-exhaustive guide to the point  system:

SIMPLE DUTIES

You make the bed. (+1)
You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillows. (-10)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets. (-3)
You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) in the rain (+8)
But return with Jack Daniels.  (-5)

PROTECTIVE DUTIES

You check out a suspicious noise at night. (+1)
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing. (0)
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is something. (+5)
You pummel it with an iron rod.  (+10)
It’s her pet Chihuahua . (-20)

SOCIAL  ENGAGEMENTS

You stay by her side for the entire party. (+1)
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with an old school friend. (-2)
Named Tina (-10)
Tina is a dancer. (-10)
Tina has breast implants. (-40)

HER BIRTHDAY
You take her out to dinner. (+2)
You take her out to dinner, and it’s not a sports bar. (+3)
Okay, it’s a sports bar. (-2)
And its all-you-can-eat night. (-3)
It’s a sports bar, it’s all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team. (-10)

A NIGHT OUT
You take her to a movie. (+1)
You take her to a movie she likes. (+5)
You take her to a movie you hate. (+6)
You take her to a movie you like. (-2)
It’s called ‘Death Cop.’ (-3)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans. (-15)

YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable potbelly. (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it. (+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts. (-30)
You say, “It doesn’t matter, you have one too.” (-80)

THE BIG QUESTION

She asks, “Do I look fat?” (-5)
(Yes, you lose points no matter  what)
You hesitate in responding. (-10)
You reply, “Where?” (-35)

You give any other response. (-20)
COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression. (+2)
You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV. (+500)
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep. (-4000)

Send this on to all of the gentlemen you  know to refresh them on the point
system. (and to the  ladies you know with a good sense of  humor!)

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A Rite of Spring

As most of the country is beginning to defrost, those of us in the Valley of the Sun are wondering if we blinked and missed winter. Not that I’m complaining. The temperatures are only in the upper 80s or low 90s and I don’t have to turn on my AC as the house stays a cool 78 degrees Farenheit.

Given that it’s already late March and triple digit temperatures are just around the corner, hubby and I have been spending our weekends trimming , mowing and weeding the front and back yards. And while the weather is nice, working out in the beating sunshine is hot work. Saguaros and pretty much every other cacti don’t provide much shade.

So after the third hour and fourth water bottle, I decided to change into… shorts.

Now, I’m pigmentally challenged. In fact, most nights I don’t need a flashlight as I kinda glow in the dark. So after checking to make certain what little leg hair I have was shorter than the grass hubby was mowing, I slipped on my favorite pair of black shorts and snipped the ties on a new pair of Crocs then walked outside.

Thankfully, no car crashed from the blinding glow but lots of folks had to either shade their eyes or throw down their visor. Yes, in our modern age, such things can be avoided. I’ve seen the billboards advertising tanning crop up like toadstools after a hard rain. But my father has had more skin cancer than I care to think about.

As for the spray on tans, if I have to turn into an unnatural human color it wouldn’t be orange but purple with green spots. ‘Nuf said.

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Hearts in Barbed Wire—Chapter Two

20140311-091422.jpgChapter Two

Lieutenant Lucien Duplan eased the hammer of his revolver into a safe position before pointing the gun at the ground. He hadn’t become an officer of the Belgian army to shoot his fellow countrymen, or women. The lamp in the open window flickered, scattering the shadows across the dead grass beneath his feet.  The gunshot wound at his side throbbed.

With her back toward him, the stocky woman stiffened. The shawl covering her head melded with her bulky dress until her shadowy figure resembled a black spirit. The man puffed on his pipe and smoke cast a veil over his coarse features. Neither said a word.

Glancing in the glowing windows, Luc searched for signs of his men. This had to be the correct house. Beyond the lamp, he made out the black beams of the low ceiling and the green bundles of drying herbs. Or had he lost his way? He shook himself. No, this was the right house. She had mentioned treating soldiers and Cocard. The skin at the base of his neck itched. Still, he couldn’t be too careful. “Monsieur Thevenet?”

The old man removed the pipe from his mouth before holding out his free hand. “Lieutenant Duplan?”

The woman inhaled sharply.

Ignoring her, Luc slid his palm against the man’s. Calluses indicated the farmer’s strength. Thank the Almighty, Luc had found the correct house. “My men?”

“Inside.” Thevenet jerked his head to the rectangular farmhouse. “They said there’d be two of you.”

“Mille requires assistance to complete the journey.” And nursing. And rest. And so many other things. Luc sighed. He wouldn’t lose another man. Couldn’t lose another one. Thevenet may not be happy his daughter wasn’t a nun, but to encounter a nurse out here was nothing short of a miracle. “Mille has a leg injury, Sister.”

Luc skimmed her bulky frame and offered her the traditional title of respect although she didn’t wear a nurse’s uniform.

“I have not yet finished my nurse’s training, but have some experience with injuries.” The woman scampered toward the farmer. Turning, she tugged on his sleeve. “Perhaps we should take our visitor inside, Papa.”

She turned her face aside.

Instead of entering the house, Thevenet cupped his daughter’s arm and propelled her forward a few steps into the golden bars of lamplight. “I was just about to take Madeline inside to tend your men.”

Light washed over the soft planes of her cheek, the straight line of her nose and gilded the lush crescent of her eyelashes.

Luc blinked and cast back in his memories. When was the last time he’d enjoyed a lovely, young woman’s company? Never. His fiancée had once accused him of being made of stone. Guess this blasted war had changed him more than he knew. Luc smoothed his hair—caked with mud, the strands refused to lay flat. Next, he hand-pressed the shirt he’d taken from a clothesline he’d passed last week. “How much training do you have?”

She bit her bottom lip for a moment. “A year. But I’ve tended many neighbors before I left for school.”

A true miracle then. Luc scratched the week’s worth of stubble sprouting from his chin. “I’ll need my men to bring Mille here before sun-up.”

Thevenet chewed on the pipe stem. “That may not be possible. We gave them some wine to celebrate their safe arrival.”

“I see.” Luc swallowed his groan. He would have to carry Mille himself. Thankfully, the hedge concealing the wounded soldier was only three kilometers back. A stabbing pain traveled from his side down his leg. He breathed slowly until it disappeared.

“We shall take the wagon.” Thevenet lumbered back toward the rickety vee-shaped wagon. Stalks of harvested wheat waved through the opened sticks of the bed.

Skirts swishing over the grass, Madeline scampered after him. “No! You’ll be shot for being out after curfew.”

He shook off his daughter’s touch. “We must help our Jas.”

The revolver grew heavy in Luc’s grip. Despite her earlier words, Sister Madeline did not seem keen on helping his men.

“I know, Papa.” She grabbed the harness before the graybeard could reach it and hugged it to her chest. “And we will help our brave soldiers. But I will go. I have a pass to be out after dark.”

How had the good Sister obtained such a thing? The cabbageheads were stingy with their passes. Were words the extent of her loyalty to Belgium? Pressing his injured side, Luc straightened. “Perhaps—”

She turned her back to him and shook the harness at her father. “No one would believe I came from the station with a wagon full of grain, I shall take the dog cart.”

Monsieur Thevenet prodded the valise on the ground with his muddy boot. “That does not require a cart.”

She raked off her headscarf. “If the Jas is injured, I will need something to carry him. The dog cart is perfect. As for my baggage… Do you still have that old trunk?”

The graybeard nodded.

Luc planted his hands on his hips. His side twinged at the contact with his knuckles. He was an officer in His Majesty’s service, how had he lost command of the situation? “A moment, if you please, Monsieur. Sister.”

Thevenet scratched his mustache. “You’re not proposing stuffing the soldier into the chest?”

Madeline waved his words away. “Certainly not, Papa. The Germans are searching all the baggage. The wounded man can lay on top of the chest and hide underneath the hedges when a patrol passes.”

Luc stiffened. He’d decide where he and his man hid. “Now, see here.”

“I’ll get the cart.” Thevenet spun on his heel and marched toward a low-slung barn perpendicular to the house.

Bouncing on the balls of her feet, she faced Luc.  “Now, then, let me see to that wound.”

Her long, slim fingers danced over his injured side.

Tingles mingled freely with the ache engendered by the contact. Reigning his body in, he brushed aside her touch. She was a nurse for pity’s sake and already wary of the disrespect some offered healing sisters. “My man first, Sister.”

Lamplight sparked off Madeline’s brown eyes before she narrowed them. Her full lips pursed and her fingers curled into fists. “Untreated wounds can become infected. I don’t have enough experience in treating infections.”

“Thankfully, neither I nor my wound plan to strain the bounds of your experience.”

She flashed the whites of her eyes.

Thevenet trudged out of the barn dragging the dog cart behind him. Wood clattered against wood between the squeaking of the wheel.

Closing his eyes for a moment, Luc shook his head. With a sound like that, the entire German army would be upon them before they traveled ten meters. “I will carry my man back here.”

“If you could have carried him, you would have.” Madeline tossed her head, sending her blond curls bouncing, and stomped to her father’s side. “The cart is faster.”

Impertinent for a woman. Small wonder she hadn’t become a nun. They were obedient. Luc ground his teeth together.

Thevenet rolled the cart back and forth, gouging furrows in the dead grass. “I’ve greased the axle. Give it a minute and it’ll be silent.”

On the next push, the cart emitted a soft growl.

Madeline eased into her father’s spot. Grasping the narrow shafts in her hands, she leaned forward. Her sabots slipped on the ground. Her tongue sticking out between her teeth, she inched forward. “The trunk is heavier than I expected.”

She wouldn’t have to worry about it for long. Luc would pull the cart. Holding his injured side, he retrieved the valise on the ground and strode forward.

“Yes, it’s heavy.” Thevenet nodded. “We’ve stored a few things inside for safe-keeping. I took out most, but left in the linens. Even the Boches wouldn’t believe a woman would haul around an empty trunk.”

She snorted. “Of course they would. The Germans have pilfered everything of value from the baggage.”

Luc’s grip tightened on the handle. Damn Germans. Why couldn’t they have respected Belgium’s neutrality? He closed the gap between himself and Madeline.

She veered away. A saucy smile curved her lips; it didn’t reach her eyes. “Your man first, right?”

Thevenet covered a bark of laughter with a cough. Ducking his head, he hurried toward the barn.

Heat burned up Luc’s neck as he traipsed after her. He didn’t enjoy having his words thrown back at him. What man did? He set her valise on the scarred trunk. “I can pull the cart, Sister.”

“So can I.” She swerved back onto a path to the gap in the hedge. “And I’m not injured.”

Luc crossed his arms. “You’re the most disobedient nurse I’ve ever met.”

Grunting, she tugged the cart onto the rutted road. Her white teeth glowed in the darkness. “Hush now. The Boches could be anywhere and you’re loud.”

He clamped his lips together. Three kilometers never seemed so far.

Available now on  amazon for only 99cents

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Now Available-Hearts in Barbed Wire

It went live last night. Right now it’s only available on amazon, but it’s on sale until April 1st.

Enjoy!

20140311-091422.jpgBelgium is overrun.

Lieutenant Lucien Duplan is wounded and trapped behind German lines. To reach the Dutch border and freedom, he needs Madeline Thevenet—a woman who eases his pain but is destined to become a nun.

Aiding the man responsible for her parents’ death is the last thing Madeline wants to do. But to get her young brother safely to Holland, she will do anything to avoid being caught by the Germans and tried for treason, including putting her heart on the line.

Madeline and Luc must stay one step ahead of the enemy. But the war around them is nothing compared with the battle raging inside. For honor and duty demand one action; and love requires another.

Love’s Great War: Belgium, 1914

http://amzn.com/B00J4YICBW

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