These were passed along by my friend Hugh.
The first one: You know you’re a redneck if:
The second one: They attack in packs:
These were passed along by my friend Hugh.
The first one: You know you’re a redneck if:
The second one: They attack in packs:
Hi all,
I’ve been asked by Melanie at the Dog-Earred Pages Used Bookstore to give a workshop on Villains, titled Facing Off: Creating an adversary worthy of your hero. Apparently, she really loved Trent:D.
Date: April 18th
Time: 05:30 PM
Anyway, the series is part of the Friday Night Writes, she hosts at her store. I believe this is a small fee to attend, but that fee will be applied to a book purchase. FMI, you can visit her website http://www.dogearedpagesusedbooks.com/
CHURCH LADIES WITH TYPEWRITERS
They’re Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for the church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced at church services:
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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The sermon this morning: ‘Jesus Walks on the Water.’The sermon tonight:‘Searching for Jesus.’
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Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang ‘I will not pass this way again,’ giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow..
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ‘What Is Hell?’ Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered…
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM – prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM… The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
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And this one just about sums them all up
The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new campaign slogan last Sunday:
‘I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours.’
When I listen to a song it’s the beat that gets my toes tapping but it’s the lyrics that decide the length of my relationship with a song. Some songs I’ll listen to forever because the meaning resonates within me.
And while I try to get the words right, I don’t always succeed.
I know I’m not alone in this.
I know I’m not the only one who interpreted CCR’s there’s a bad moon on the rise to there’s a bathroom on the right.
And like an iceberg, that’s just the tip of the lyrics I’ve flubbed, and even liked a little better than the original.
And while I used to think I inherited this particular trait from my father (who should be ashamed of himself for telling an impressionable 7 year old lines that were not part of an actual song), I’ve since learned that the trait is fairly common. Seems soldiers in World War 1 changed the lyrics to a popular melody too. Some were bawdy such as to Parlez-vous, others were sad like the ones to Broken Doll, and some held a purpose (beyond confusing the enemy).
Here is one courtesy of the American Doughboy in France:
Iodine and Pills
Iodine and Pills
Good for rheumatism
Good for chills
Bones my be broken
Mumps in your gills
Iodine and pills will cure you
Iodine and pills
And while I can’t tell you what the original song was, I can say that the lyrics tell a lot about the state of medicine in 1917.
All married men and men on a relationship will attest to some real wisdom in this email…
…In the world of romance, one single rule applies:
MAKE THE WOMAN HAPPY!
Do something she likes, and you get points.
Do something she dislikes, and points are subtracted.
You don’t get any points for doing something she expects.
Sorry, that’s the way the game is played.
Here is a non-exhaustive guide to the point system:
SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed. (+1)
You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillows. (-10)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets. (-3)
You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) in the rain (+8)
But return with Jack Daniels. (-5)
PROTECTIVE DUTIES
You check out a suspicious noise at night. (+1)
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing. (0)
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is something. (+5)
You pummel it with an iron rod. (+10)
It’s her pet Chihuahua . (-20)
SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
You stay by her side for the entire party. (+1)
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with an old school friend. (-2)
Named Tina (-10)
Tina is a dancer. (-10)
Tina has breast implants. (-40)
HER BIRTHDAY
You take her out to dinner. (+2)
You take her out to dinner, and it’s not a sports bar. (+3)
Okay, it’s a sports bar. (-2)
And its all-you-can-eat night. (-3)
It’s a sports bar, it’s all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team. (-10)
A NIGHT OUT
You take her to a movie. (+1)
You take her to a movie she likes. (+5)
You take her to a movie you hate. (+6)
You take her to a movie you like. (-2)
It’s called ‘Death Cop.’ (-3)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans. (-15)
YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable potbelly. (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it. (+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts. (-30)
You say, “It doesn’t matter, you have one too.” (-80)
THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, “Do I look fat?” (-5)
(Yes, you lose points no matter what)
You hesitate in responding. (-10)
You reply, “Where?” (-35)
You give any other response. (-20)
COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression. (+2)
You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV. (+500)
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep. (-4000)
Send this on to all of the gentlemen you know to refresh them on the point
system. (and to the ladies you know with a good sense of humor!)
As most of the country is beginning to defrost, those of us in the Valley of the Sun are wondering if we blinked and missed winter. Not that I’m complaining. The temperatures are only in the upper 80s or low 90s and I don’t have to turn on my AC as the house stays a cool 78 degrees Farenheit.
Given that it’s already late March and triple digit temperatures are just around the corner, hubby and I have been spending our weekends trimming , mowing and weeding the front and back yards. And while the weather is nice, working out in the beating sunshine is hot work. Saguaros and pretty much every other cacti don’t provide much shade.
So after the third hour and fourth water bottle, I decided to change into… shorts.
Now, I’m pigmentally challenged. In fact, most nights I don’t need a flashlight as I kinda glow in the dark. So after checking to make certain what little leg hair I have was shorter than the grass hubby was mowing, I slipped on my favorite pair of black shorts and snipped the ties on a new pair of Crocs then walked outside.
Thankfully, no car crashed from the blinding glow but lots of folks had to either shade their eyes or throw down their visor. Yes, in our modern age, such things can be avoided. I’ve seen the billboards advertising tanning crop up like toadstools after a hard rain. But my father has had more skin cancer than I care to think about.
As for the spray on tans, if I have to turn into an unnatural human color it wouldn’t be orange but purple with green spots. ‘Nuf said.