A big thank you to Hugh for this very scientific chart. I guess old age now starts at 18, 20, 30, 40.
PHILOSOPHY FOR OLD FOLKS.
It is a deceptively simple philosophy that I have
been working on and fine-tuning.
I am delighted to say that I believe I have refined
it down to its essence~~~~Now I can share it with
a select band of friends who may also appreciate
its elegance and simplicity.
I believe the number one New Year’s resolution for most people has to do with their weight. I know I have a spare, um, person clinging to me but I also know that diets don’t work. Neither does
I’m on the treadmill for hours a day and still my spots keep getting bigger!
.
But experiments do.
It started innocently enough. My crazy brother completed his third iron man last November. He did it in under 12 hours. That’s swimming 2.6 miles, biking 126 miles and jogging 26.2 miles in under 12 hours. (I’m proud of you Jim!)
I could probably do that if say a T-Rex was chasing me or a bear (my brother lives in Alaska so this is possible). But I’m more than likely to trip someone who is annoying me so the T-Rex stops for a meal and I can rest. Because, if you’ve read my Redaction novels you know that it isn’t the strongest or the smartest who survive but the one best able to adapt. And I’m good at using what I have at hand to my advantage.
Um, Jim tells me I’ve waived my 5th amendment right against self-incrimination by announcing my intentions. (He’s a lawyer so he knows these things) But, I figure if there’s a T-Rex running about the police have bigger problems than me tripping someone accidentally on purpose.
I can convince myself of anything. Take the time when…
Oh, weight, I mean wait a minute. Apparently my brother’s uber extraordinary performance brought up some latent competitive spirit and I got to thinking about doing a 5K, then how long it would take to clone an adult T-Rex and well, yeah, I pretty much returned to my senses.
But the universe was putting up a bill board and I managed to walk right into it. Okay it was Christmas eve at my nephew’s house who is a personal trainer. He’s a big believer in Gary Taubes’s book, Good Calories, Bad Calories. And is a proponent of believing insulin is the greatest cause of every civilized disease with sugar and wheat being the main culprits.
Now I know my history. The last 2 miracle bullet, cure-alls were mercury and arsenic. Given that death is a side effect, I wasn’t quite ready to jump on the insulin-as-the-root-of all evil bandwagon, especially as I know insulin is required to say, um, live. I’ve also pursued the wheat belly book and then looked back at old family photos. Since my grandmother was overweight in the 1940s (long before the wheat modification took effect) I didn’t buy this one either.
Still, I apparently had that lingering competition impetus in my blood stream and I decided that I would read the book. My nephew warned me that it was like a textbook. I wish he would have warned me about the ad naseum repetition (that bordered on ‘drink the kool aid’ mind control) and the snarky asides (in case you missed the bludgeoning). And that’s just the first 80 pages of the 460. Well I read it all. And there’s a couple times where Dr. Taubes contradicts himself and where from what I remember reading of the studies quoted I arrived at a different conclusion (but I was looking for something else).
Still, the ideas presented had merit. And I’m not just saying this because it also fed into a joyful conspiracy theory that would make a really great fictional book. In a nutshell, this is the science behind the Atkins diet, why it works and why many professional journals tell you that a high fat/high protein diet doesn’t.
So come February I’ll be trying it. Why not now? Because I got lots of chocolate in my Christmas stocking, I have a six pack of caffeine free Pepsi (Sorry, but this month I’m giving up the caffeine and saying adios to my buddy Dr. Pepper—that’s more than enough for 31 days), and I have a stock pile of sugar cookies in my freezer.
And don’t believe my subconscious which is saying I’m trying to outlast my competitive streak.
I am a short person. Not little people short but petit people short. Edith Ann short. I have a foot rest at work even though my chair is on the lowest setting and frankly I find this annoying. So I was interested when someone told me that I might wish to look into sitting on an exercise ball. Naturally I can only do this at home as I don’t think this would be good in the lab.
Out I went to find the right size ball and blew it up and blew it up and blew it up.
Then I sat on it. My feet were flat on the floor. Yay!
Alas there was one side effect.
Bouncing. Yes, I said it. I like to bounce and bounce. My husband thinks it is funny. I wish I had a handle on the ball to hop around the house.
Then I decided to use my new friend to sew. Umm, do you know a sew machine can bounce when you press down hard on the pedal to say, I don’t know, keep from rolling to the side? Well it does. It also causes the needle to break. I got better after 2 needles. And I did finish the pajamas I was sewing.
Now I have to limit myself between the regular furniture and the ball as the bouncing can induce motion sickness after a while.
And I’m pretty sure the ball is stalking me.
I have to say this is my favorite countdown. Maybe one day I’ll be in the top 10. It’s a little on the noir side so some may wish to click away.
You’ve been waiting for them with bated breath; so, without further ado, here are the 2013 Darwin Awards:
Eighth Place
In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.
Seventh Place
A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who “totally zoned when he ran”, accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.
Sixth Place
While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom, when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.
Fifth Place Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.
Fourth Place
Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.
Third Place
After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol.
The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt.
HONORABLE MENTION
Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2 A.M. so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window to see what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice that the window was closed.
RUNNER UP
Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more excited and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge, they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman’s cable lay nearby. They secured one end around Bingham’s leg and then tied the other to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham’s foot was never located.
AND THE WINNER IS…. Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt (Paderborn, Germany) fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief. Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded.
The sheer force of the elephant’s unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves… ‘Shit happens’
IT ALWAYS SEEMS IMPORTANT TO THANK THESE PEOPLE FOR REMOVING THEMSELVES FROM THE GENE POOL.
Wishing everyone the best in 2014! Here’s why I’m no longer making resolutions or to do lists. Thanks Dawn for the warning:
![image[1]](https://authorlindaandrews.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/12/image1.png)
Although Christmas has passed, I thought I’d pass this along. BTW, Santa I don’t believe you would ever do this:D
A Little Christmas Story
When four of Santa’s elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys
as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas
pressure.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed
Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were
about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out,
Heaven knows where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of
rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all
the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally
dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces
all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had
eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, ‘Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn’t
this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?’
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
Not a lot of people know this.
Thanks to Dan for sending this to me! It’s the perfect last Friday Funny of the year.
As 2013 nears the end, I want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally messed up now and have little chance of recovery.
I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.
I can’t sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.
I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one’s nose.
Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.
I can’t touch any woman’s purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public restroom.
I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about rat droppings in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time.
I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa’s Novena has granted my every wish.
I can’t have a drink in a bar because I’ll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.
I can’t eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.
I can’t use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer doesn’t crawl in my back seat when I’m filling up.
I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.
AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can’t boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face.
I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down or get bed bugs.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan ..
I no longer buy cookies from Woollies since I now have their recipe.
THANKS TO YOU I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can’t ever pick up a coin dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a s * x molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.
I can’t do any gardening because I’m afraid I’ll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.
If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s best friend’s beautician..
Oh, by the way….. A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.
Don’t bother taking it off now, it’s too late.
P. S.: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.
I hope you enjoy the day with family and friends—Peace and joy to everyone!
I am a big Amazon fan and have been shopping with them shortly after they opened. True, this stems from the fact that I’m addicted to books, but I also like shopping in my pajamas (without going out in public).
That said, I wasn’t too keen on Prime. As a reader, I view limiting my ability to score books akin to censorship at best and unAmerican at worst. No way would I pay to lock myself into one outlet. Free market is supposed to keep prices low, right? Right and then there was the price setting monopoly of the Big Six NY Publishers brought to bow before the big Zon, and I was torn. The Amazon in the room was fighting the good fight and I wasn’t backing them up. How could I? (NOTE: if your happy to see some of the big NY authors coming out with ebooks at 2.99, you can thank Zon and the competition from indies but that’s another post)
So when my hubby bought his Kindle Fire, we signed up for the trial period.
And didn’t use it.
Then we went on a cruise and it renewed. Fine, I’d give it a try. So I ordered books, er, Christmas presents, yeah, presents for other people using prime. And everything showed up quickly and I received extra discounts on some books, er, presents (note to self, keep that straight). And because the Zon is nothing but a giant computer brain it combined my backorders efficiently, so now I know I’m getting Despicable Me 2 for Christmas (if I couldn’t have figured it out from the marks my husband made on my list that he put back on the fridge).
Alas that’s my only complaint after two months in. I even get to watch movies and tv shows through my Blu-ray player on my TV and now Netflix is feeling neglected. And they have a Christmas section (which unfortunately, I’ve seen them all already). So it seems as if I will keep it.
Even if I haven’t borrowed any books.
Trying again from the home computer not my iPad:
“If you’ve seen a better picture than this picture of a dog dressed as two dogs carrying a present, send it to me.”
I’m not sure if this was on purpose or just serendipity
This is Brilliant
Linda Andrews 