Everyone Deserves on Ooops

Saturday, I got to talk to my sister in New York. Among other incendiary topics, we discussed our  husbands and their driving habits. You see both our spouses are from NYC (different burroughs) and they have one habit in particular in common.

They’re both very aggressive drivers. Which is a nice way of saying they like to tail gate. Sure, everyone tailgates, usually when someone cuts you off.

My husband takes it to an art form. Such that he had to disable the brakes on the passenger side of the car (or they just wore out, I’m not sure which). I’m sure I got my white hair from him, although I reserve the right to change my mind about that since I have children.

He says he follows close behind to urge the person in front to go faster. I have to remind him that that space cushion around our vehicle isn’t full of padding or an extended bumpers.

If you don’t understand what I mean, perhaps Disney can explain it best:

And now for the oops part. You see, when the space cushion fails to accomplish the desired result, you should be able to shoot the offender and if perhaps they’re not the slow-poke but the car in front is, he should get an oops card. He’s certain any cop would understand if they saw what he did.

Alas, our continued conversation disabused us of the notion that such mentality was limited to New Yorkers. You see, she wanted a hand gun. I want a rocket launcher. My way is a bit more efficient.

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Friday Funny

Pics to make you smile.

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Creatures of Habit

My dog can tell time. No not by looking at the clock, but by the sound their stomach makes at certain times of the day.

Promptly at 430 am he comes creeping up the side of the bed. First, he huffs hot, Stinky breath on me. Then he sighs heavily. If I still don’t get up, he brings out the paws and digs me out from under the covers.

The cats start a hellicious chorus of meows until I obey their feline will.

They will wake the house if I delay.

So I’m sure they found me quite funny this morning. You see, after the dogs dancing bear routine he sat wiggling by the door for his daily walkies. Except I couldn’t find my keys. I thought I’d put them in the usual spot, ie on the table but they weren’t there. I then thought maybe my hubby had picked them up thinking they were his as he had given me his earlier. So I checked his usual spot

And found his keys.

But not mine.

As the dog was now wrapping himself around my legs and nearly wetting himself from the delay, I decided to take my hubby’s keys. So, I stuck them in my pocket.

And found my pocket.

I’m not sure if I’d already stuck them in my pocket, and blanked it because it was so routine, or if I hadn’t taken them out to begin with.

Guess even human animals are creatures of habit.

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A Good Idea Gone Bad

I had a thought not too long ago. An idea for a series of books. One featuring the same 6-10 characters but centered around a different disaster. One that doesn’t occur sequentially but simultaneously like in parallel worlds.

My husband and children thought it would work.

They don’t read much.

So I put the question to my sister and mother, both avid readers.

It took a while for the idea to sink in. My sister likened it to Doctor Who, same people different settings. And then they hit upon the very thing that had been bothering for a while. A character would react the same in similar circumstances.

All the books would become formulaic–no fun twists and eventually the series would become predictable. The kiss of death.

And so a good idea has gone bad. Ah well, there’s always another idea where that came from.

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Friday Funny—Something to Make You Smile

Thanks to Dan for passing these along

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I hate it when he plays “Mount Everest.”

 

Untitled attachment 00013Menopause sucks!

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Who the heck is “Sugar Lips?”

Untitled attachment 00019Those brownies were Far Out!!

Untitled attachment 00022NO! We Don’t want any Magazine Subscriptions!

Untitled attachment 00025There’s a ringer competing in the Hogtown Olympics.

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I’m not Over-Weight, I’m Under-Height!!

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You do have an odd perspective on things.

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Lunchtime at the Corncob Cafe.

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Okay, I caught him, now what do I do with him?

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I hate this game.

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Flight ‘Hum-One’ coming in for a landing.

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Hi, I’m Celeste, I’ll be your Aura-Concierge today.

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Just act natural and blend in.

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Where’s my Coffee?

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Whoo-o loves ya, Baby?

*********************************************************
‘Life is better when you are happy, but life is best when
other people are happy because of you

 

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The Odd Ball Tracks

I received music for Christmas. 5 albums my hubby bought and 2 I bought myself (don’t judge me—music and books are my crack).  I’ll admit I prefer to buy whole albums from artists that I like because I invariably find a track that is just special and speaks to me. Here are the albums and the tracks that I’m obsessing over:

Kelly Clarkson, Stronger

 Although I’ve never watched American Idol, I do like Kelly. My favorites are Honestly and Dark Side.

Daughtry, Baptized

 While I really enjoy the title track, I’m really draw to Battleships (acoustic version) while an honorable mention to long live rock and roll.

Miranda Lambert, Four the Record
Although it received a little airplay in Phoenix, I am still drawn to her All Kinds of Kinds with a nod to Nobody’s Fool for it’s clever lyrics.

Katy Perry, Prism
 I admit that Birthday reminds me of disco, but it’s so up beat I can’t get it out of my head and I wonder if it’s a remake/cover song. But it’s By the Grace of God that’s hauntingly beautiful.

Keith Urban, Fuse

 I had debated a long while before deciding to get this album, I’m not sure why but most of the songs have been played already on the radio but I do like Shame.

This one I found from one of the blogs I follow. Bastille, Bad Blood

 I love all the songs but one that I can’t get out of my head is The Silence. The lyrics are just brilliant!

AS for the other album, I bought the soundtrack to the original Sound of Music after watching Carrie Underwood perform it live. I prefer the original as it brought back memories of driving through Pennsylvania, West Virginia and Maryland to visit Civil War sites with a young nun named Chris.

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A Stalk in the Park

The pooch and I go for our walkies early in the morning. I mean pretty early, like when most of you are figuring you can get a few more hours of sleep early. We used to only walk early during the summer and switch to evenings during the cooler months.

But Mr. Bear didn’t cope well with these changes and often tried to guilt me into taking 2 walks per day.

Honestly who can resist such a face?

Mr. BearSo I decided to stick with the program and stay with morning walkies. Even when it’s dark out.

Really dark out.

Thankfully I have a head lamp and, hey, I’m not the only one out at 4 something in the morning. There’s lots of folks about. With their dogs.

We’ve established patterns and routes so we keep a minimum distance between ourselves. Mr. Bear doesn’t like other dogs, even ones named Bear. Yes, there is another Bear who walks in the morning with his human pet.

This morning I was a wee bit late leaving and so the routines got messed up. I ended up zig-zagging along my normal route and worse, the neighbor near the park thought it was safe to release his hound. Without a leash. When we were close by. (see note about Bear’s hangups).

So I immediately switched my headlamp to red and left it on, so the man would know I was in the park. He recalled his pooch to the cul-de-sac and waited at the corner.

I cut across the path, moving in and out of the lighted areas, then walked up the rise into the darkness. I reached up to turn my headlamp off (so Mr. Neighbor and dog could enter the area) and accidentally switched it to white light. And that’s when I saw it:

A pair of shiny white eyes staring back at me. Not more than 20 yards away.

I stopped. Dogs, cats and owls do not have white eyes. They reflect green.

Coyotes have white eyes.

And this one was staring right and me and Bear. I immediately made myself as big as I could (since I was in a jacket this wasn’t so hard) and started stomping forward.

Mr. Coyote darted across in front of me and stood on the berm that acts as flood control for out neighborhood (roughly 35 yards away).

And he wasn’t alone. There was another coyote loping parallel to me.

Still stomping and keeping my arms out, I and Mr. Bear headed for the street.  The coyotes kept the same distance away.

What the heck? Coyotes don’t as a rule act this aggressive. Either they’d eaten all the feral cats and yappy dogs from last week’s hunt and were very hungry or they were infected with rabies. Neither was a particular pleasant outcome for me. So I stuck to the light then raced to the other street.

And they kept pace.

Figuring my best chance was to head home, I re-entered the dark patches of the park and that’s when I saw it.

The third coyote waiting for me. He was bigger than the other two and he kept glancing away from the light, so he’d learned a few hunting tricks. That settled it. I retreated, dragging the dog who was growling back to the sidewalk and took the long way home. Through the neighborhood, along the street and across the bridge that led back to their den.

Needless to say, I’ve been walking with the headlamp on since my encounter.

 

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Friday Funny

Thanks to Hugh for passing this along
In Honor of Stupid People
           I ACTUALLY HAVE A PRESCRIPTION THAT TELLS ME TO TAKE “IT” WHILE AWAKE!!!
            GO FIGURE!

In Honor of Stupid People . . . .

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sears hairdryer — Do not use while sleeping.
(That’s the only time I have to work on my hair.)

On a bag of Fritos — You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(the shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Dial soap — “Directions: Use like regular soap.”
(and that would be???….)

On some Swanson frozen dinners — “Serving suggestion: Defrost.”
(but, it’s just a suggestion.)

On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) —“Do not turn upside down.”
(well…duh, a bit late, huh!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding — “Product will be hot after heating.”
(…and you thought????…)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron — “Do not iron clothes on body.”
(but wouldn’t this save me time?)

On Boot’s Children Cough Medicine — “Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.”
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction and auto accidents if we could just get those 5 & 6 year-olds with head-colds out of the cars and off those bulldozers.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid — “Warning: May cause drowsiness.”
(..I’m taking this because???….)

On most brands of Christmas lights — “For indoor or outdoor use only.”


(as opposed to what?)


On a Japanese food processor — “Not to be used for the other use.”

(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I’m a bit curious.)

On Sainsbury’s peanuts —Warning Contains Nuts”


(talk about a news flash- What did you expect?? )


On an American Airlines packet of nuts — “Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.”

(Step 3: say what?)



On a child’s Superman costume — “Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.”

(I don’t blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw — “Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.”


(Oh my God..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)


Now that you’ve smiled at least once, it’s your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even chuckle)…

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Eating the Elephant

If you’re older than 5, you’ve probably heard that joke: How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time. It seems I have a few elephants in my house. And as you know elephants take up lots of space. One would think I would have noticed a pack of pachyderms earlier but apparently they start off small then grow to humongous proportions.

Kinda like that baby alligator in the sewer that goes on to star in his own horror movie.

The rather hefty size of the elephants came to my attention when I tried to put away my Christmas presents. I should mention I received 2 Blu-Ray movies, 5 CDs, a teapot and teas, Plus one book. So you’re not looking at more than a cubic foot of Christmas booty.

And yet this seems to  be too much for my cabinets.

So something has to give. It won’t be my animated Disney movie collection (even if I have most of them memorized) or my music. Or my books. or…

Well, I think we’re all beginning to see how the elephants got so large.

Still, I think it is safe to say I should be able to part with some things (or perhaps get rid of some of my husband’s when he isn’t looking). But I need to start small so I don’t go through withdrawals. And like eating an elephant I’ll do it bit by bit.

I started last week and cleaned out the coffee table. My friend’s granddaughter is now the proud owner of one clump of purple play-doh, a jump rope, a Halloween puzzle and four sets of flash cards-addition, subtraction, multiplication and division. She’s 3 but I know she’ll use them eventually.

Next weekend, I’ll tackle the desk in my bedroom. Tax season is almost here and I know there’s some receipts I’ll need.

By starting small, I hope to have my house cleaned out before I retire:D

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State of Mind

Some folks have been wondering what I’m up to. No new chapters. No new releases. Just what have I been doing?

I really couldn’t say. But it ended up with two and a half months of no writing. I suppose I deserve the break. Doesn’t everyone deserve a break on occassion?

Then I made a schedule of things I would like to write for 2014 and scheduled them out. Then I panicked and deleted the schedule.

I want to write 12 novellas/novels. In theory I could do it, but I’m having difficulty getting back into writing. So instead I’ve decided to write more organically, getting things done when I get them done.

That said I will write the last blood book, another Syn en book (or two) and one new apocalyptic novel. In addition, I will write 6-8 world war 1 romance novellas. Which is what I’m currently working on.

I have also arranged to sign my books at the chocolate affaire in downtown Glendale AZ this February and at Phoenix comic con in June, at least, when I’m not waiting in line to have my picture taken with the amazing Bruce Campbell.

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